BUSH TOUGHENS CAF STANDARDS

“From now on, the cafeteria will be cleaned three times a day,” President Bush told G.M. workers in Detroit, thinking he was toughening CAF standards. “And to lower gas emissions, beans will no longer be served.”

Staffers immediately pulled the president aside and told him that CAF stands for Corporate Average Fuel Economy. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done. It was just another blunder in a week filled with mistakes as the President tried hurriedly to repair his damaged legacy.

Last week, for example, as the president and first lady were lying in bed, they heard a news report describing “Cuban Insider Trading.” Furious, Bush immediately called the FBI. “Arrest that washed-up Commie,” said Bush, referring to his old nemesis Fidel.

It wasn't until Castro was in Guantanamo Bay that Bush learned the report was actually about billionaire Mark Cuban. He quickly called Castro to apologize, adding, “Mr. Castro, I would love to visit your beautiful nation, share a cigar with you, and ride in your famous Castro Convertible.”

In another incident, Bush decided to dig up dirt on Henry Paulson, telling Laura, “That bald SOB is becoming way too powerful.” Unfortunately, he accidently sent agents to the home of the late comic Pat Paulsen, whose address was still on file as a result of his satirical work in 1968. Unsure of what to do, agents spent two days at the house, now owned by Paulsen's grandchildren, digging up dirt in the garden.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi got Bush's attention when she used quotes from his favorite movie, Jerry Maguire. “Until they show us the plan, we cannot show them the money,” she said to reporters, referring to the CEOs of the Big Three Automakers.

When Bush saw Pelosi in the hallway of the Congressional Office Building, he yelled “You complete me!” using another quote from the movie. Unfortunately the House Speaker did not find it so funny, threatening the President with sexual harassment.

In another movie incident, Bush convinced actor Johnny Depp, star of Pirates of the Caribbean, to infiltrate the band of pirates hijacking oil tankers off Africa. “He can fool anybody that he's a pirate,” said Bush. Depp, completely untrained as an undercover agent, was immediately beaten and tortured by the pirates. “At least he wasn't water boarded,” said Bush.

Finally, Bush became quite concerned when he heard that Congress had approved a TARP bill, not knowing that it referred to “Troubled Assets Relief Program.” Assuming that tarpulins were defective all over Major League Baseball, he dispatched agents to all 30 ballparks, inspecting each and every tarp. “You don't want leaks in your rubber,” said the President.